Health issues, whether temporary or chronic, can deeply affect your holiday experience. This post offers suggestions on honoring your own and others’ needs so everyone can enjoy your holiday food and company to the greatest extent possible.

The first part of this post is aimed at family and friends of people with chronic illnesses, and the second part is aimed at people with chronic illnesses. Thus, this post is a good read for just about anyone because pretty much all of us either have a health problem or know someone who does.

Please note that these tips come from a strictly practical and experiential perspective as a nutritional therapy practitioner supporting clients with a variety of health concerns. Additionally, I have a complex, chronic set of health problems stemming from a hereditary connective tissue disorder. I didn’t write these tips as a replacement for professional counseling but as a starting point for making your own action plan.

What Not to Say to a Loved One with a Chronic Illness And What to Say Instead!

A common complaint I hear from people with chronic illnesses is that friends and family don’t understand their needs. Essentially, you should avoid making backhanded compliments, implying that you know how they feel or implicitly judging, guilting or shaming the person you’re talking to.

Please refrain from making compliments about weight loss to a loved one struggling with an illness. Whereas in mainstream Western society being thin means being healthy and beautiful, a person who has trouble eating, digesting, and absorbing nutrients or who is struggling with a past or present eating disorder may find such a compliment troubling.

Below are some common phrases that can upset people with a chronic or complex illness, along with a brief discussion.

“You look great! You must be all better!”

A lot of chronic illnesses are invisible, which means that you can’t see the person’s suffering. A lot of people with chronic illnesses spend a lot of time putting on a brave face and bracing themselves. It’s not any fun to let yourself look as unwell as you feel, especially over the holidays. So a statement like this can be really annoying. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with telling something they look great, but please don’t assume you know how they feel in their body!

What you can say instead: “I’m so happy to see you!”

“Are you all better now?”

Having a chronic illness means, for the most part, that the condition requires ongoing management. When you ask someone with a chronic illness whether they have healed, you may irritate them. Chronic illness symptoms go up and down. However, their complete resolution is unusual enough that it’s almost miraculous. Asking a person with a chronic illness whether she is all better puts undue pressure on her and makes her feel judged.

What you can say instead: “How are you feeling these days?”

Please, if you ask this question, don’t ask it if you’re in a hurry or in the middle of something else. Be prepared for whatever answer you may get.

“You don’t look sick”

This is a slightly more annoying variation to the first statement above and can be very offensive and damaging to a person with an invisible illness. It implies that the person you’re speaking to has somehow fooled his medical team into making a diagnosis. Please keep in mind that while it’s easy to assume that your loved one is faking being sick, it’s much more likely that she is faking being well during the holidays.

I personally can’t think of a good way to rephrase this. Essentially, if you are tempted to say something like this to a loved one, you really need to work on yourself!

How to Explain Your Health Needs to Others When You Have a Chronic Illness

If your health issues are chronic, you may have a hard time communicating your needs to your loved ones. This can be really hard. It’s easy to assume that because you’re the one who isn’t well, others should meet you where you are. But often, those around you have no idea where you are. You can help guide well-intentioned friends and family through clarity and good boundaries. And, of course, there isn’t much you can do to change what ill-intentioned people say and do. The best thing you can do in this case is limit contact, focusing instead on well-intentioned family and friends.

Finding the Words to Explain your Condition

If you have a chronic illness, the people around you can’t see your pain and suffering. If you want them to understand, you will need to explain effectively.

One thing that helped me immensely was understanding not just that I got exhausted doing things that others found easy but learning why. This helped me understand that it wasn’t my fault and helped me communicate with others who may otherwise assume I was lazy. When I learned that my connective tissue—the glue that holds the parts of our bodies together and gives us a lot of our structural integrity—didn’t work the way that it was supposed to, a lot of things made sense to me.

In order to explain to others how my body is different from theirs, I first had to learn how “normal” bodies are different from mine. I can now explain to family and friends that while they are sleeping restfully, I may be waking up multiple times at night because the vertebrae in my neck don’t stay in place and their moving around causes me to wake in pain at night. What’s normal and effortless for the average person may seem like a superpower to me, some days more than others.

It’s Your Choice How Much or How Little to Share

So depending on how well you know the person you’re talking to and how much trust there is, you can open up and explain things, remembering that the other person’s perspective and body experience may be vastly different from yours.

Just because you have a chronic illness doesn’t make you responsible for being a spokesperson or ambassador or a crusader for anything. You can share what you feel comfortable with the people you love and trust, on your own terms, in your own time.

Getting Help if You Need It

If your issues with holiday gatherings go beyond the ordinary scenarios I described, and you are anxious or fearful about an upcoming gathering, please reach out to a qualified therapist for individual or family therapy. This is in no way a sign of weakness!

Nutritional Guidance for Your Health Needs

As a Nutritional Therapy Practitioner specializing in complex and chronic health conditions, I have the training and experience to help you customize your nutrition and lifestyle in accordance with your particular situation. Make sure you get in touch to learn more about working together!